By John Hagerman
Are you totally happy with every aspect of your life? Family, friends, fitness, home, money, spirituality, experiences and work – most of us dream of success and happiness in all these areas when we’re growing up. Unfortunately, by the time we reach the age when we think we should have attained a high level of success and happiness, most of us are disappointed.
Our family life isn’t as happy and tranquil as we think it should be. We don’t have the number and quality of friends we want. We don’t have time to get in shape, or enjoy activities we love like fishing, skiing, golf, etc. Our bank accounts are anemic and our spiritual lives are lackluster or non-existent. And work has become a chore where we struggle to keep up, are constantly looking over our shoulder fearing we’ll lose what we have, or, and maybe worst, work has become a place where we find ourselves outwardly successful but inwardly disappointed and empty. Life just isn’t as rewarding, fulfilling or fun as we think it should be, and we don’t know why.
If you find yourself anywhere in the above description, then the first place you need to look for explanations is in the mirror. If you don’t have the level of success and happiness you want, the person staring back at you is the person who got you stuck where you’re are. The good news is that whoever is looking back at you is also the person who can change it all for the better.
There are 7 things most of us do everyday that sabotage our efforts to have the good things we want in our lives. When you learn them, you’ve already started changing them. Here are seven things most people do to get in their own way:
- Letting fear become the first thing we think about in any decision (unconsciously).
- Waiting to talk, instead of stopping to listen.
- Not letting others have their success.
- Not allowing ourselves to be contributed to.
- Wanting to get before we give (being transactional instead of relational)
- Making up stories about what things mean, that acting as though they’re true.
- Believing we don’t have the power to invent a better future.
Let’s look at each one individually:
First, thinking about fear first is an unconscious, nearly automatic act for most of us. We’re taught early in life to be afraid of crossing the street, burning our fingers on the stove, falling down stairs, wearing a helmet while bicycling and always wearing seatbelts in the car. These are all good things to be aware of, but in the process of learning them we start believing everything is potentially dangerous. “Look before you leap,” is a mantra for most of us, and the media reinforces it every day. When you make your unconscious thought process conscious, suddenly the fear first rule becomes instantly visible. It also becomes slightly absurd as a way to live our lives. What would your life be like if fear wasn’t your first, unconscious reaction to the world around you?
Second, how well do you really listen? Do you listen with the intent to understand, or the intent to reply. Whether you think you’re a good listener or not, the next time your in a conversation with someone, try this. As they are talking, become conscious of your own thought processes. If you’re honest, you’ll quickly realize that the majority of your time is spent waiting for a pause or opening in what the other person is saying so you can step in to say your piece. We all do it, so don’t feel bad. Instead of feeling bad, try to stop waiting to speak, and start listening to what is being said. If you do, you’re likely to discover a whole new world opening up around you, a world you’ve been missing most of your life. In the process or really listening, you’ll also find that people’s opinion of you and your ideas jump way up. The less you say, and the more you really listen, the more you’ll become the most interesting person people have ever met. Suddenly, practically without saying a word, you’ll become a valuable friend and a potent business asset, both good things for creating the life you want.
Third, has this ever happened to you – you’re talking with friends or co-workers about your latest success and someone else chimes in with their own success story? Did their success story outshine yours? How did it feel? Did you add another story to get back on top, only to have them top you again? It’s called one-upsmanship, or stealing another person’s thunder, and it feels pretty crappy when it happens to you. It’s the same with stories about successes, failures, problems, frustrations, or just about any story people share. Unfortunately, it’s something most of us do without realizing it. We get into the success story we’re being told, immediately think of a similar story that happen to us, and feel like we need to share it. It’s like we’re saying, “Hey, I get how you feel because something like that happened to me, to. Let me tell you my story.” But that isn’t how it feels on the receiving end. Instead, it feels like, “Hey, man, I can do you one better.” The result is resentment because nobody gets to feel like their success was worthy.
When someone is touting a success, let them have it. It’s like listening instead of waiting to speak. Listen to their success story, congratulate them and root them on to have even more successes. Resist the temptation to add your own story, at least not right then. What you’ll discover when you do this is that success stories suddenly become more relevant and precious. You’ll also notice that other people appreciating how authentically and supportive you are. When others see how generous of spirit you are, you’ll find them more ready to support your efforts to build the life you want. It’s a win-win situation.
Fourth, when other people try to give you credit do you pooh-pooh them? Do you say it was luck, or that it was nothing? When someone offers to help you, or give you something, do you reflexively turn them down? If you do, you’re like a lot of us. We don’t like to stand out from the crown, and we don’t like to feel we need the help of others, no matter how much we need it. We want to do it on our own and not be beholding to anybody. The problem is, when you don’t allow others to contribute to you by way of recognition, attribution, gift, or help, you’re not only turning down a potentially valuable contribution to your success, you’re also denying others the reward of doing something go for someone. When you do something good for someone else, it feels pretty good, doesn’t it? When you’re willing to let others feel the same way when they do something for you, you’re lifting them up at the same time. When you let them feel good about what they do for you, they want to do it more, and that can be pretty helpful to your future.
Fifth, an extension of not wanting to let others do things for us is the feeling that if we let them do things for us, then we’ll owe them something in return. Conversely, most of the time when we do something for someone else, we add a tally mark to our column and keep track of who owes us what. Whichever side of the equation you’re on, it’s being transactional. It’s also being self-sabotaging. Think of it this way, it would be like everyone going around with a pocket full of silver dollars. Every time somebody did something for you, from opening a door, making a sale, giving a referral, or even congratulating you, they would instantly hold out their hands and wait for you to drop some silver dollars in them. And every time you did anything for others; you would hold out your hand an await payment. It’s not a pretty picture, especially when it happens among family members, friends, or even the people you work with every day.
Being relational, instead of transactional, reverses the process. Instead of people doing something for you because they expect something back, they would do it because it’s the right thing to do or, get this, they would do it because they actually care about helping you. Wow! Now, imagine you doing things for others because you want to, and not because it’s expected. There is little trust in transactional thinking, but there is a lot of trust in relational thinking. Instead of building accounts of who owes what to who, you would build a network of people dedicated to doing what they can to lift others up. Not only does it feel good, but freely helping others is a more effective way of getting what you want than transactional behavior could ever be.
Sixth, now we’re getting down to the nub of it – living as though the stories we make up are true. Yep, that’s right, we make up stories non-stop about every single thing or person we see, hear, touch, talk to, help, get yelled at by, comfort, meet, or interact with everyday. We can’t help it; it’s how we’re hard-wired to live. It’s also the number one thing that keeps us trapped in a world that isn’t all we want it to be. What happened to my son when he was four is a perfect example.
My wife, my two kids, and I, went to visit my brother in law one glorious spring day. The sun was warm and uplifting. The previous night’s rain had turned the grass an impossible emerald color and fostered an explosion of gaudy colors and sweet aromas in the garden. My son immediately made a beeline to smell the flowers and was promptly stung on the chin by a bee doing its job. It hurt. It also prompted him to make up a story about what the incident meant. He decided bees were dangerous, bees were bugs, so bugs were dangerous, and to stay safe, he should fear bugs and stay away from them. As an afterthought he decided that bees and bugs lived in flowers, so better stay away from them, too.
What had happened? A bee had stung him. What did it mean? A bee had stung him. What was the story he made up? Bugs, and gardens, were dangerous. What did he do? He lived his life as though bugs and gardens were indeed dangerous and refused to have anything to do with them for several years. He’d filed the story he’d made up, his decision that bugs were dangerous, in his own future, and then lived his life as though the story were true. The story took up a little bit of his future and it took a lot of work to convince him bugs and gardens weren’t really dangerous. The stories well all make up each take a little space in our own futures and quickly crowd out room for much else.
When he was able to realize that all that had happened was a bee had stung him, and that it didn’t mean anything more than that, he was able to start enjoying gardens, bugs, and even bees again. We all make up similar stories every day. When we can start seeing that what happens is what happens, and that it doesn’t mean anything more than that, then we’re able to start enjoying the world more. It also means we are suddenly able to start seeing things for what they are, and yep, that MEANS we’re free to accept the world as it is – an absolute requirement if we’re going to have a hope of really achieving the kind of success and happiness we want in life.
Finally, understanding that we can invent the kind of future we want – any future we want. How, you ask? Simple. When you follow all these steps, especially number six, you are connecting with the world in ways most people can’t even dream of. When you have real depth and breadth in your connections to the world and people around you, you’re tapped into an unlimited supply of energy you can tap to make good things happen. And when you’ve learned to stop making up stories about whatever everything means, you’ve suddenly open up all sorts of room for new things, new possibilities, to come into your life. When you have the freedom of space in your thinking, you’re suddenly free to invent new possibilities. When you invent a possibility, it starts by THINKING it. When you think it, then believe it, it is suddenly possible. When you invent the possibility, it becomes alive in the world in a way that makes it real, and doable.
The four-minute mile was humanly impossible until Roger Bannister invented the possibility of breaking that barrier. No sooner had he done it, than others started doing it to. The moment President Kennedy invented the possibility of men going to the moon, it became real, and it was achieved. They both started with someone inventing them as possibilities. What’s the lesson? The lesson is that the future you want is a possibility you invent. When you grasp the power to invent possibilities, you’ve also grasped the possibility of bringing them…bringing the future you want, to life.
Are there other secrets to success and happiness? Absolutely not. I haven’t told you any secrets. All I’ve done is point out some simple, yet sometimes difficult to accept, truths. Work to make them part of your life, and always staying open to other truths, and you will see your future taking shape the way you want it. And the best thing is, the future itself is effortless. Invent it, stay open to it, and live into it, and it will happen
Just so you know, it really is that simple, but being simple isn’t the same thing as being easy. Invention possibilities is effortless, but living into them and making them come to life, takes vigilance, openness, effort, commitment, self-honesty, a sense of humor, a willingness to be vulnerable and an honest desire to be connected to people.
So where do you start? Start where you are and with who you are today. Now get started!
I will be writing more in depth about each of these points over the next couple of weeks. If they resonate with you, check back here to learn more.
Recent Comments